explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
