Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
