Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
