I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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