There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
