I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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