id be glad to
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
