i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize
