forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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