Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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