I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
