So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
