Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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