I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
