I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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