mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
