There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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