When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
