my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
