For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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