I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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