It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
