Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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