i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
