shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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