This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My vagina is officially offended.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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