swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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