Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
