I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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