So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
