Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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