Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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