I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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