I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
