nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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