Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
