Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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