Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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