Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We just shotgunned beers for America
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
