I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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