he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
