Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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