Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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