Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm at about main and main street
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
