He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
