Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My bed is full of blood and feathers
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
