The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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