ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
