honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
