Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
