My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
