She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
