A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm having to shit out rocks
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