Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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