He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
