Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I intend to get homeless drunk
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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