my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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