guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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